baby steps

I kind of want to watch Pride and Prejudice again.  

I think I'm finally ready.

I know this doesn't seem like a big deal to most, but for me it's huge.  You see, I'm a die-hard Jane Austen fan. My favorite novels are Pride and Prejudice and Persuasion.  And the other day I discovered *my* Pride and Prejudice (the Colin Firth / Jennifer Ehle version, of course) was twenty years old.  I'm not quite sure how this is possible, but numbers don't lie...right?  

But I digress. 

I watched Pride and Prejudice for the first time with my mamma…and each viewing thereafter.  I’ve never seen it with anyone else and never watched it by myself.  It was always *our* thing, full of inside jokes and laughs and happy moments.  And after she died, it went on the unofficial list of movies to never watch again. Fortunately, over the years, a few titles have come off that list.  It took a while, but I was finally able to watch You’ve got Mail (the last movie we ever watched together) and White Christmas (it took us two nights to get through it because she was so sick from radiation treatments).   But somehow I could not bring myself to endure six hours of bittersweet memories.  I couldn’t bear the thought of watching P&P without my mamma, and it made me all sorts of angry and sad and melancholy.  

But now I think I'm ready.  I may not watch it tomorrow or next week or even this year, but the idea of seeing it again seems okay.  After almost four years I may be ready for another first without my mamma, and while I know it will be hard sitting through that initial viewing, I think I can face the pain.  It won't be easy. I may tear up or even cry. I may have to take breaks or give myself grace to not finish it.  However I'm proud for even considering this again. And just like You've Got Mail has come to hold a special place in my heart because I remember watching it with my partner-in-all-things-romantic-comedy, the same can happen with P&P.  I'll remember the laughs. The lines we recited together.  Her favorite scene.  Favorite line ("dearest, loveliest, Elizabeth) and especially the good times shared with Mr. Darcy and Miss Bennett.       

I hate that my mamma is just a memory, but that's my reality, and sometimes memories are all I've got to hold on to.  So, after a lengthy absence, I think it's time for a walk down memory lane...Jane Austen style.

After all, "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."